[Marieleinchen]

Alien, I don't know you, but it's shocking to learn that someone loses their brother.
I remember my father telling me (maybe my brother was there too) as a child that my brother and I should appreciate eachother because your brother or sister will be the one still there in your life after everyone else is gone. When I look around I see how this is true for other people, but my brother killed himself when I was 14. He was 2 1/2 years older than me and my only sibling, so from the time I was born we were together. My mom says that I was always in awe of my brother and tried to be just like him, and he must be completely imprinted in my comprehension of the universe because I find myself always seeking him in other people. My exes all reminded me of him in some way, good or bad, and I think my relationship with Mark combines the better aspects of both my relationship with my brother and my father.
I remember having experiences similar to those that you describe now. On one hand, it's good that you don't have to deal with the anger and blame and guilt involved with a suicide, but on the other hand it could be more tragic because it wasn't your brother's choice. You'll go through all sorts of feelings about this, and though I know I've gained a lot of compassion (yes, really) and insight and perspective and wisdom (yes, really!!) and appreciation for life from the experience, Trent is right that you never get over it. When I lost my brother, I still had to do all my high school years, so that was a bit of a distraction from my feelings at the time, but it's no wonder I hooked up with a guy and then was ready to marry him soon after. My father had lost his only son who worked the farm with him since he was very small, so a year after he died (and incidentally, at the same time I got involved with that guy), my father discovered he had cancer. Three years later he joined my brother. The last thing I remember my father saying in the hospital was that it would be nice if my brother could visit. I got to spend a lot of time in the hospital with my dad before he died, so for awhile it seemed like I mourned for his passing more than I did for my brother. But I think the truth is that after my brother died, I had too much else to think about - high school, my dad's illness, my troublesome relatives, college, getting married, moving, finding a job, getting unmarried, other boyfriends, not having money, joining the military, leaving the military, meeting Mark, moving again...And now that I've had a few years where things have slowed down and I have time to think, I realize that I've only recently started to mourn for my brother. 10 years have gone by, and it's still no better than when it happened! I mean, I miss my dad because he was my father and I admired him and looked up to him more than anyone else ever (well, my mom, too) and because I trusted him and he believed in me...but it's the natural order of things for grandparents and parents to die before their children. My brother should still be here for me to talk to if I want, just like all my parents' brothers and sisters still are. And my dad got to live as an adult and realize himself, but my brother never even got to grow up!
But really, who am I to say that the universe should be different? It is just as it is, and while I miss my brother here on earth, he has been released to cosmic meadows now, and I need to worry about my own life. The pain won't always be as acute as it is for you now, Alien, and you won't always be crying, but maybe you'll find that things will matter to you more or you'll try harder to do the right things or try harder to go see Alphaville in Germany...and it does help to hear that you aren't the only person in the world who has had to bear the pain. Last Christmas I bought the a-ha DVD on ebay from a guy in Scotland, and I learned that his older brother was killed and then afterwards his father died.
There is nothing good about losing a brother, but you do become aware of how much we all need eachother and how bad it is when